i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
