I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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