She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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