I could make wine with my vomit
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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