alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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