my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
