yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I CAN MOONWALK!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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