I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
