I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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