This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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