John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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