positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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