i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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