I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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