Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
