Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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