I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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