I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
