I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
