Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
