I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
there's paper in my vomit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
that may or may not have been my penis.
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