So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
