Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
