It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
