I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
