But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
