I want to make a zoo with you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize