It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
