I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize