Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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