And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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