oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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