I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
