He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
