My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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