I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
