Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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