You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
