I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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