when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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