Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
