I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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