The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize