The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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