guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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