if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
