I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
