my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
