the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
