she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
