It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
