This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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