I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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