I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I AM VODKA MAN
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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