Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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